I'm going to take you to the farmer's market and buy you so much corn

...

You know just how to treat a girl

Like a cow
I have the swine flu
In a vault
And I swear that I will serve it up in a soup kitchen
If you don't fill every one of those toys for tots bins

I will feed primacord up your ass like a colonoscope.

You are like Zach Galifianakis, you need a beard

I need nothing
I DON'T NEED YOU
I DON'T NEED ANYBODY

You need a beard to hide your hideousness

I note with displeasure that your taint is lukewarm at best

;-)

You've been icing

Yes, I'm glad you noticed

Good good
Keep it chill
Keep it fresh

Just for you

:-)

I'll teach you that flesh has only a finite strength rating. I'll teach you that man can be broken.

For five dollars I'll bend over and touch my knees
I... don't remember typing that
The shit pours down your tawny leg

...

I'm gonna make you poop your pants

because I care so much

Do you feel it?

Wow
I have made a lot of sleep
Can you feel it?

I feel it

PEOPLE OF THE WORLD
CAN YOU FEEL IT!

FEEL IT HARD

I kind of feel like doing something tonight

Like?

I'm thinking I should get a subscription to Maxim

Taste blood on your hands

And you were just on Facebook

In heaven, angels have both dicks and pussies so they can please you anyway you want.
But no buttstuff.
God hates buttstuff.

Wait, does that make me religious?

Yes.
Devout.

So I have to like buttstuff to be an atheist?

The sacrifices one must make

:-(

Oh yeah.
It's in our bibble.

I might be down with buttstuff if I am messing with my own butt.

Damn sacrifices.

The only winning move is not to play.

By that standard, we're winners.

True

I suggest gong back and reexamining your principles.
With such a clearly false result.

Such as?

Crack That Whip!

My home feels like a vortex of desperation and depression.

I need cleansing fire.

I have left an electronic trail

?

And it leads right to you
You're goin' down.

With you

...

You're the turf to my surf

I will never be the turf to your surf

All men are rapists.

I'm the fist to your mashed potatoes

Yes
Yes

;-)

Today I pooped down another man's throat
It felt good

...

Your next goal, diarrhea

I can pray and quiver
My asshole squeals in delight
SKKREEEEEEEE!!!

Like a velociraptor

HI BILLY MAYS HERE FOR THE ANEROS

Low blow, Joe
The man can't defend his prostate love anymore

He would've pushed the Aneros

It rockets out of him like a horse from the gate
"SKKKKREEEEE!" says Billy Mays

So I've been spiking myself with GHB to give myself a tolerance
That way no one can get at my bingo hole without my permsission

Make an isolation tank

An intriguing proposal

Freak yourself out

Sometimes I think you don't have my best interests at heart
Then I just drive the knife deeper

I do

DO strippers write off boob jobs as business expenses?

;-)

crazy

YOU ARE

%25,600 min

:-(

rub that babby oil in

babby

"Actually, have you ever noticed how a negro, in particular, down south, where they're pretty close to the soil, personifies MEST (Matter, Energy, Space and Time)? The gate post and the wagon and the whip and anything around there. A hat -- they talk to 'em, you know. "Wassa madda wit you, hat?". They imbue them, with personality."
- L. Ron Hubbard

Coward

I'm no coward

Designer pussy
Built to my exacting specifications

Billy Mays is Dead

DO YOU HEAR ME?

What did you do
How could you

It's only been 5 days since his tonight show appearance

How many people die within a week of being on the tonight show?

BILLY MAYS HERE TO TELL YOU ABOUT HEAVEN!

You are truly a classless boar.

IT'S CLEAN, IT'S CLOUDY, IT'S WAITING FOR YOU TO DIE!
Don't you wanna go?
It sounds like a great idea for a truly dark Youtube video

You're so absorbant

Life is a sham...wow.

I feel like I could spill into you forever and you wouldn't drip a single drop.

A vessel for the human condition

The human condition is ejaculate?

*bows as bongos play you off the stage*

My bowels cry for justice.
I'm going to need you to wear a dress for me.

Again?

Sweet.

We have met the enemy and he is us

Gooble gobble, gooble gobble

One of us

My fist is like a sonnet
and your face shall read every line

Bring me to tears

Have you read the USB specification?

Yes, yes. You'll fetch a fine price

Aneros.

You're not gay

You just like butt stuff

Okay

sugarbear

Pull the rip cord
And your organs will eject out of your ass and slow your descent

Into madness

So what do we do without a king of pop?

We repopulate.
I'm going to teach you proper dildo handling technique

Colonel mustard did it in the ass with a candlestick

They found the world's oldest confirmed musical instrument

My throat feels dry

Who do ya think ya are?

In the year 3000

Check my Facebook

Whip It is tied to Gravity's Rainbow

I'd gladly pay you Tuesday for a hamburger today

I'll make you feel so good for a hamburger Monday
I'LL SUCK YO DICK

Calm down, Wimpy

Actually the original is interesting, since today is Tuesday
PAY UP YOU HAMBUGER LOVIN' SON OF A BITCH

I'm always surprised to find that Wimpy was supposed to be some wise grifter and not a retard

Yup

J. Wellington Wimpy

Also known in some circles as the Hungry Man of Tiannanmen.

?

OH SHIT!
I forgot to masturbate yesterday

Forgot?

Yeah
My bad

So suppose I got one of those nursing bra things for men
And I filled it with hot motor oil
and I fed babies in the park

Fed them motor oil?

Yes.
Very much so.
HELP FIGHT BABY OVERPOPULATION

I'd videotape it from the bushes

THEY CAN'T PUMP ALL THEIR STOMACHS

Then post it on the internet for perverts to beat off to

Live web feed.
Nipple cam.

I like referring to reality as Meatspace.

As opposed to Myspace?

As opposed to Cyberspace.

As opposed to Fuckspace.

As opposed to Neverfuckspace.

That is my space.
:-(

SEARCH WITH ME

I'm thinking I ought to rethink my hair
MAKE IT SEXY

I need a new look as well.

From now on I'm going to tape my ballsack between my legs.
Girls like the aerodynamic look.

...

JOE
I KNOW WHAT WOMEN WANT
AND IT'S A SLICK POST MODERN DICK AND MONEY
FACE THE FACTS

:-(

There is no God here.

Yay.

No god; lawlessness.

Burn, rape, then in reverse order.

Your love honey glistens in the moonlight

and slithers through the ground.

Welp, I just shit your pants.
Good luck getting your deposit back.

These were brand fucking new

GOD

I've got a plan. I become famous and cool,
get arrested for weed, sent to jail,
then fake my own shivving death, lay low for five years
and use the outcry over my untimely demise to end marijuana prohibition.

Hmmm

And you'll become one of my crows!
CAW!

caw.

LOUDER
LET GOD AND ALL HIS ASSEMBLED PEOPLE HEAR YOU

SHUT THE FUCK UP, MCCLANE!

GET ME CARL

I'LL HAVE YOUR ASS
Was Carl that black guy's name in the movie or did
I make that up with my Family Matters/Die Hard slashfic?

We just realized he is a cop in both and merged it.
His name in the movie is Al.

HOLLLLLYYYY!!!!!

I am only a child playing on the beach, while vast ocean of truth

lie undiscovered before me

Pick up those seashells.
Bend over.
Yeah.
Slower.

YOU CUNT
YOU FUCKING TEASE CUNT
YOU FILTHY CUNTING WHORE

Why are all these people putting shit in their urethras?
That is one thing I'll never do.

Oh?

It is just always a disaster.

It seems that way

I do not understand why that is supposed to feel good.

Nor do I

Just like butt stuff

Shh
Shh
As long as you're using proper equipment, you'll be fine.

No butt stuff!

Shh
Shh
Just lie back and relax.

:-(

no papa

....no....

I had you for one reason.

:-(

YOU KNEW WHAT THIS WAS
I will beat you about the neck and face

:-(

This is a young man's game
QUIT BEFORE YOU BREAK A HIP, OLD MAN

No way you street punk.

WHO AM I

I'm going to take out high interest loans in your name.

My credit is horrible.

Jokes on you.

Curses.
Foiled by your predilection for novel appliances.

Bread Maker.

Pasta Fazooler.

OKAY
SO YOU KNOW HOW RAPE IS LEGAL BETWEEN 2 AND 6?

Sorta.

Clarify it for me.

Between the hours of 2pm and 6pm you can pin down
a person and use them for sexual pleasure against their will.
With no legal repercussion.

Really?

Damnit, I missed happy hours.

Totally.
Well,
You also have to kill the girl.
But still.
A good deal.

Of course.

Oh no. Chick Corea is OT VIII?

Highest of the high

Somehow I feel like I already knew that
In dese ole bonez

Billy Sheehan is OT III

No one gives a shit.

Yeah, I don't give much of a shit about Billy Sheehan.

I don't think I have heard his playing either.

All the bassists in the world could give Xenu handjobs and I wouldn't care.
And in that action they would tear their precious hands to shreds.
Because Xenu's got a razor dick.

Just because I fingered a 7 year old's pussy does not make me a sexual predator

Did they like it?

Couldn't hear through the tape
BUT PROBABLY

Did you like it?

YES

Nah.

Run along.

You're not Joe
Who are you?

;)

I WILL HUNT YOU DOWN AND MAKE YOU PAY FOR YOUR CRIMES

I'm 93 and you're 16

Hush
Don't speak
Just feel

My hands smell like sin

Mine smell like motor oil.

Been lubing your chasis?

Which is my sin.
I killed her, Joe.
I wrapped my hands around that soft velvety neck.

People are meat.

Project Orion
Make it happen, America.

I'm at Disneyworld.

Figures.
Ride your Dumbo.

?

RIDE IT YOU SICK FUCK
Let your flanks glisten in the sun
Rub yourself with olive oil

Mmm

Use fragrant herbs and spices
Cut yourself and rub them in the open wounds so that the flavors can permeate

Hmm

That'll be so good for me

The Commander and I had a talk

Yes?

I'm going to need you to serve me omelets in only an apron

:(

SMILE
SHOW ME THAT MOUTH
SELL IT

:(

YOU ARE MY WORST HO

My biological clock is ticking
I need babby in me
GIVE ME BABBY!

Die alone

with your poison womb

I had a messed up dream last night.

I know.

I dreamt that Jim, you, and I were going to the movies
and for some reason some odd man was following us,
and he was removing his teeth one by one with a ballpoint pen.

Well, yes. That is pretty fucked up.
Were we paying full price?

I just remember the bloody toothless maw.

WERE WE PAYING FULL PRICE!?!

I don't think it got that far.

Thank god.

"And when Alexander saw the breadth of his domain, he wept, for there were no more worlds to conquer." - Hans Gruber